Remember how you were complaining (or bitching) about that someone you disliked? How their personality doesn't quite fit with you? How you would NEVER in the world would be like that? Guess what? You probably became like that person you would never be.
Everyone changes every second, depending on where you went, who you have talked to, what you have done. And it really upsets me when one day, when I'm talking to my closest friends, and I feel like a total bitch! Why? Because *I* became a total bitch and *i* personally feel that I am treating my friend bad, even though they didn't complain. I used to remember how we would talk about that one friend who changed and went off to hang out with their cooler friends, and casted us off to one corner, treating us as 'second choice' friends. Well, I'm probably like that now..
"The most cynical, meanest and most judgmental person that has ever bullied you is probably yourself" It's true, because I'm constantly bashing myself for being such a bad person to everyone. People say I'm ugly (cause you know, puberty, acne lol) and I have a round face it's almost like a ball, even though I'm quite skinny (JK I'm average size). But I don't really care, because as long as I know I have a pretty heart, it will probably spread out to my outsides and make me look pretty too. (DIFFUSION HAHA) Even when I'm praying (SOKA iz mah religion), I pray to become a better person, have a bigger heart (And a bigger brain lol gotta ace those exams cuz Im Asian).
But habits are still hard to change, because no matter how hard I try, I still end up being a bad friend to my friends. No one said anything, I just feel like I changed for the worse, even though everyone around me change this past year too. I don't wanna go into the details here, because I'm not too sure if it's because that friend's become an asshole or because I was being an asshole. Maybe we are all assholes!
Trying not to be the bad person used to be part of my life. Like what 'Perks of being a wallflower' said, I used to 'observe' way too much, and 'participate' way too little. But now I just 'participate' without 'observing my surroundings', which makes me more insensitive to my friends/family.
I don't need anyone to reassure me (or maybe I do, I'm not sure. No one ever sincerely reassured me before so idk). I just need me to reassure myself. But is reassurance enough? I wish I could tell someone about how I feel, I wish I could cry to someone about this, but all I can do is talk to this blog and cry in the bathroom. It's not that there isn't anyone to turn to (I'm sure there is someone), it's just that I don't know who is trusting enough to turn to lol plus Idk how to go about it lol /YY WHY U SO DUMB/
I hate change. I hate my present self. But I keep moving forward, I can't change back. Why is change so easy when you don't want it, but so hard when you want it to happen?